Tujuh-Tujuh

Again, another year has come to an end. A new year is coming, in another 19 days. I always asked myself if I have achieved something in that year, if I have improved myself in any way, if I had make anyone happy,  if I did something good, and so many other ifs. I had a conversation with a good friend the other day and she asked me what was the best thing that happened in my life in 2009. Within seconds I gave her the answer.

Having met a friend whom I knew for a couple of good years.

Then she asked me what was the worst thing that happened in my life in 2009. I took time to think since I've had a few disappointments over the year. Then I said

Having met the same friend whom I knew for a couple of good years.

She looked puzzled. She asked me how could that be. How could the same thing can be the best and the worst that happened to me. I told her that I was so happy when I met that friend, no one could have imagine how I felt loving and being loved, I had the best 6 months in a year compared to any other years of my life.

But I lost the friend. I lost the beautiful friendship we had, I lost someone I shared everything with, I lost a soul that talks to me nearly every single day for the last couple of years. That's the worst thing that happened to me.

I told her don't ask me how I lost that friend. I don't even know. Maybe I was not a good friend.

I cried. She looked worried. I told her I am alright. I'm still trying to forget. But she asked me a very good question.

"Dear, do you really want to forget?".

There are things that makes me remember and think of something else, or someone. It relates me to them.

Like when I see flowers, I will think of my mom.

When I see pink, I will smile and think of my daughters.

When I see the word "bug", I will automatically think of my work eventhough I try hard not to :P.

I was driving yesterday when I saw some reflection of lights on the dashbord of my car - flickering and shining. I realized it comes from my pendant. I covered it with my palm. No flickering anymore. Then I released it, exposed it back into the sun. I saw the flickering again. I smiled. It actually disturb me since it goes straight into my eyes while I'm not having my sunglass. But I let it be. I remember a friend who first showed me the flickers from my pendant a while ago when we were riding in a car. That's the first time I realize I'm wearing something so special. I watched You've Got Mail today and saw Meg Ryan. I think of the same friend. Weird. Maybe because we've talked about her before. Or watched a film of Meg Ryan together.

Just a thought. For some things or some people, I can only relate them to one specific thing. But for others, there are thousands of things that makes me remember them - that makes me can't forget them even I tried so hard. Because they are everywhere, in every corner of my life. Well, maybe they are not meant to be forgotten then. I understand now :)

There's a time in life where you thought you are strong enough to get through everything. To tolerate any sort of pain. Being sick or lost your mind from pressure over work or lost something you love so much and heart broken. You tell yourself you have been through all that many times and when ever they come around the next time, you will be just fine.

You thought so.

But when they come, you realize how fragile you are. Broken for the 100th time, you even lost the count. Funny isn't - how life makes you think and believe you are what you are not. Sometimes it puzzles and you wanted to run away. But most of the time you will absorb the pain, eating you inside bit by bit, torn you into thousand pieces, until one day you just can't take it anymore. That day may be too late for you to reconstruct youself, your life, your heart. Everything have been damaged. You can't be yourself anymore.

35 days ago I promised myself to be happy. Whatever comes. I told myself I'll stop counting when I do. Day 35 and I'm still counting.

How often did you realize that awful things happened to you are actually the best for you? How frequent did you appreciate and celebrate failures? Me? Off the record - none. Often I will feel down and take some time out from myself just to question why it happened - what did I do wrong, why me, how my life could be different if I did things differently, do I deserve this, etc etc – which obviously makes my life so miserable trying to handle the failures and to answer all the stupid questions at the same time. I have never thought of all the bad things as good. I don’t know if other people did. Maybe there are. I salute those people then.

Well, I’ve always think of them as a learning curve, taught me about myself and life, and I will try to improve from there. That considers good. Now I feel stupid since I have not realized it long before. When bad things happen or when I failed, I will try harder or will try to avoid the same mistakes. Failures sometimes make me realize of my potential – that I actually can do better. I failed, and I tried harder. How would I know I can try harder and do better if I didn’t fail the first time? Sometimes things broken and I tried to fix them over and over again, but I failed every time. And I realized it is not meant for me. So I let it go, move on. Maybe I’ll find new things – better, nicer, lovelier (do we have “lovelier” on our vocab? :p). Not everything meant for everyone, no one’s perfect I believe. Or that’s what we all believe. Sometimes it leaves me thinking that my failures doesn't come from  only myself. So, failures open the opportunities for me to look further. Perfect doesn't keep myself alive anyway.

Bad things, failures – they makes you appreciate life. They bring good things out of you. They give you strength to move on and try harder. They make you realize that nothing is easy – loving is not that easy for example, if you think it is. You will also realize your limit, when you should stop trying. Repeated failures means you couldn’t do better, so you just have to move on.

So, let’s celebrate failures. I am celebrating one for a start. Of course you have to be heartless. Who cares?

Allah's hardship comes in many type and formation. I think everyone knows that fact.

I figured out that one of mine is my inability to forget. I forgive people, but I won't forget what they have done. The real reason is I wanted these to keep reminding me of mistakes or stupid things I've done in my life, so there's a hope I won't be repeating them. But the truth is, some stupid things just happened over and over again. Suddenly it comes up to me that maybe it's a sort of punishment - because I don't let myself to forget. But how are you going to forget something that hurts you so much until you feel you've been run out by 5 huge trucks, or something so beautiful that you feel you are the luckiest and happiest person in the whole world?

I wish I can forget all those things that hurts. But somehow I wish harder that I can forget all the beautiful things I've ever had - I've got them, and embraced them for a few glorious moments in my life. Because once I lost them I had live my life in denial, every single day, for I'll be hoping to have them again even though I know I couldn't.

I should forgive AND forget. They comes together - took me my whole life to realize that. Not only to forgive other people and forget what have they done to me, but I have to start forgiving and forgetting all those pain I've caused to myself. Prayers that Allah gives me a peaceful mind and soul, and be a better person to forgive and to have the ability to forget.