Tujuh-Tujuh

Allah's hardship comes in many type and formation. I think everyone knows that fact.

I figured out that one of mine is my inability to forget. I forgive people, but I won't forget what they have done. The real reason is I wanted these to keep reminding me of mistakes or stupid things I've done in my life, so there's a hope I won't be repeating them. But the truth is, some stupid things just happened over and over again. Suddenly it comes up to me that maybe it's a sort of punishment - because I don't let myself to forget. But how are you going to forget something that hurts you so much until you feel you've been run out by 5 huge trucks, or something so beautiful that you feel you are the luckiest and happiest person in the whole world?

I wish I can forget all those things that hurts. But somehow I wish harder that I can forget all the beautiful things I've ever had - I've got them, and embraced them for a few glorious moments in my life. Because once I lost them I had live my life in denial, every single day, for I'll be hoping to have them again even though I know I couldn't.

I should forgive AND forget. They comes together - took me my whole life to realize that. Not only to forgive other people and forget what have they done to me, but I have to start forgiving and forgetting all those pain I've caused to myself. Prayers that Allah gives me a peaceful mind and soul, and be a better person to forgive and to have the ability to forget.

For how many years I've used my mobile phone as an alarm to wake me up every morning (or anytime that I need to be waken up :P). So I used to have my phone besides me when I sleep.

A few weeks ago I got myself a SONY digital alarm clock. It comes with a radio. I was so excited with it. It has sooo many buttons for soooo many functions, I tell you. Unfortunately I'm not those who are interested in reading manuals, so what happened to those buttons? They just confused me :P

What happen was, the first morning after I set up the alarm, it went off nicely. But the alarm sound irritates me. Very much. I'm used to like woke up when the alarm went off but continue sleeping for half an hour - happens everytime, everyday. That's my habit I could say. When the alarm went off from the clock, I woke up and push a button "Off". Then As usual, I went back to bed. After 10 minutes it went off again. I woke up again and push the button once again. Go back to sleep. Another 10 minutes it went off again. Pissed me off this time - I switched off the main power to that clock. Stupid clock I told myself.

After a few days I spend some time looking at the stupid alarm clock again. I managed to make the radio working, so I was happy. Only then I realize that the "Off" button is for the radio. And I saw another button called "Snooze Off". And that makes things clearer :P. Stupid me, lol. But what I didn't understand is the alarm did stop when I push the "Off" button. Weirdo. Ok, maybe I just have to read the manual.

Now, the alarm will go off every morning - but without the irritating alarm sound. Somehow it managed to start the radio on the time I've set. It will be on for an hour and then turned off by itself. I'll wake up when the radio starts, but having problem to get back to sleep for half an hour like usual because I wanted to listen to the songs played :P.

Hm.. I think I should just stick to  my mobile phone. Or just buy the normal, conventional alarm clock my mom used to have with the "RRRRRIIIIIINGGGGG" sound :P.

I watched a movie on TV, about an American being sent to India to train people on a call centre. I learn something interesting from the movie, not on the story in particular.

Hindus have a God they called Shiva, among many others. Shiva is the God of Destruction. There's a history of why Shiva became the God of Destruction, which I read on the net. I asked myself why do they need a God of Destruction? Do they hope for being destroyed? Then I read about their other Gods - Brahma and Vishnu. Brahma is the Creator and Vishnu is the Preserver. And it becomes clearer - as they believe in reincarnation, some things must have been destroyed for new ones to be created. Simple.

Not specifically to religion, I think this applies to our life. Similarly. We have to let go of some things to allow other things to come - unless you have the capability to preserve everything :). Let go of your current job for a better offer for example. Or as simple as to get rid of your 16" to buy new set of 18" shiny, nice and sporty rims, lol. Well, you couldn't use 8 pieces of rims on your car, could you?

And the thing that I think the most is how we can walked out of our life to find something new. Not necesarily to be with someone else I would say, but that gives us a room to create a new life, finding new passion, fulfilling new objectives, or we can just see the same thing from a different angle. If the life we had is already destroying us, what's the point of preserving? I think it's a yes. Yes, we may need to destroy something to gain something else. And the thing that we destroy may belong to others. Wouldn't you think so?

I am extremely tired these few days. Work is getting busy again with those "extra" task handed over to me. I have a good heart anyway, helping people, lol. I'm currently assigned to a small project doing Performance Testing, which I hate the most. Yuck. But I'm doing it anyhow, it's my job. Apart from that I'm also covering up some people in a few other project, spending most of my time with meetings and discussions and mentoring and answering questions. Which I hate too :P. And don't mention the interviews again. Argh. That, I really hate. No joke. But overall, I love myself being busy. I felt more productive :P. And I don't have time to spend on thinking of anything else. Just work. I think I have turned my passion towards my work to an escapism from...everything else - from talking to friends, from having lunch, or dinner, from listening to jokes and laugh, from looking at my phone scrolling up and down the inbox message reading texts from someone, or even from smiling. Because of work, I don't have time for those. I love my job.

The other thing that makes me tired these few days is I spent the other half of my day besides work in hospital visiting and accompanying mak. Went there after work, sometimes slept there and go home early morning to get ready for work. During my time there I knew a lot of people - patients, nurses and doctors, or even the cleaning lady. I spent most evenings and nights talking to them, trying to cheer them up. Besides, I'm the only visitor that comes very frequently and the healthiest person among them obviously :P

Among those patients, there's a girl who'd been admitted the second night I was there. She had been vomiting terribly. She was in at around 2am when everybody were asleep, but then everyone had been woken up by her vomiting sound - which was awful and sounds really sick. Pity her. Her friend was there at first but she left after a while, leaving the girl alone, throwing up every 5 or 10 minutes. I looked at her and she looked back at me saying sorry. I smiled and walked to her bed and sit down, stroking her back while she vommit. She was crying so hard in between her vomiting and I hold her hands, just looking at her. I don't know whether she cried because she's in pain. She fall asleep after about an hour and I then, go back to my bed.

Mak told me her story today. She tried to commit suicide by swallowing around 30 panadols and a few other things. Oh. So thats the reason behind the whispering between doctors and her friend that night. She did that because her boyfriend left her for another girl. My goodness. That's the most stupid reason to commit suicide. But I don't know the whole story, so I can't say much. Maybe there's something behind it. But the girl..she 's so beautiful, she has a lot of friends that visit her the next day, that care so much about her. I bet she could always find another guy who love her for who she is. Love sometimes makes us lost our mind. We can't think straight, we can't do things that we supposed to do, we didn't see things that we supposed to see. It's hard not to be in love, but when we are in love, it's even harder.

When I think of those ill people in hospital, I'm thinking of how lucky I am. I spent a week in a hospital last year because of infection to my kidney and I can tell you I don't want to go through those days again. I am lucky that now I'm ok (I think :P). Ok kidney, don't get infected again yaaaa? :P

Please tell me ways to hate, to be mad, to have anger and live with it for the rest of my life.

Please tell me how to forget, to stop thinking of things that hurts.

Please tell me how to be cruel, to disregards those I love.

Please tell me what more should I do, to stop the tears.

Please tell me where else should I go, to find peace.

Else,

Please tell me that I am doing OK, just so I can move on and leave this behind.